If you ever read this, my love, please know that I am truly sorry for everything. You NEVER had a roving eye, my darling. I made a terrible mistake. I have lost you through my own foolishness. You never mention me anymore, I cannot contact you at all, and I play no part in your life whatsoever now. RTBooker has become your top friend, Josh is in 2nd place with Greg demoted to 3rd. Ali has slipped to 8th, but in truth is now the love of your life.

You got what you wanted and deserved... your friends, and someone who would love you without hurting you. I am humbled, my precious ex-fiancee. I truly believed that I had lots of very good qualities and high morals, and was a loving and somewhat spiritual person. Instead, through being with you I learnt how dark and horrid I was inside. And I failed you, baby.

Jamesy is sorry. I still have all the things you gave me. It is so incredibly hard to move on and let you go from my heart. I was very saddened to see your painting of The Roving Eye, because I saw my baby looking at me in it, broken-hearted and falsely accused. The broken heart also showed that OUR love is dead... you no longer love me at all. The face most definitely is your own, and seems strikingly similar to the very first photo you took of us together... the one you used on the front of my Valentine's card in 2008. That painting claws at my heart. It haunts me. I am forever in debt to you. You tried so hard to heal me and help me. I let you down, Hayley.

Please read all of my other blogs if you've not already done so. I miss you beyond words, and still think of you every day. We COULD'VE been perfect, but I couldn't see. I was blind to my own bullshit; my own fervent imagination and unfounded fears. You deserved the very best, and you chose ME but I couldn't provide it or live up to it. How terrible I was to you...

Life is just so sad without you in it anymore. I truly thought you would help me find my Heaven. You WERE my Heaven, but I gave you hell and now I've lost the best thing that ever happened to me. I ask that in time, you will truly forgive me. The guilt I feel is terrible. I shake and rock every day. I tremble in fear and grief for the pain I caused you. I am SO remorseful. I wish I could change ME and become what I needed to be when I still had you. Then maybe I could somehow make amends to you, even though you will never want me back again.

I accept that I have lost you now.

But you were mine once.

And I thank you for that.

Thankyou, Hayley.

I will never forget you.

James. x y x y x